I'm going to talk a little bit about a subject that I haven't spoken much of. In being transparent I hope that others will be encouraged. This week I have been forced to slow down. As I've been laying around feeling miserable I decided to put on some music, just close my eyes, listen and be still.
Being in ministry is kinda like being under a big spot light. People are always watching what you do and say. Even years later when I no longer live on the mission field, I know people know who I am and I feel their expectations. It's a unique kind of pressure, a balancing act. As a kid if you didn't go to the bathroom before church started then you were very uncomfortable for a while, which in Peru, could be several hours depending on who was preaching that day. I still don't get up from my seat unless it is important. I am constantly thinking about how my actions or words will come across. Do I regret it? Would I change it? No.
Like many people in ministry, we get very good at hiding our true thoughts and feelings and in doing so we don't let others see the pain and struggles we go through. But it is through those struggles and how we deal with them that God can really shine, because I know I'm not strong enough in my own strength. But do those looking at my life see it? Do they see my struggles and tears? Do they know that sometimes I cry out to God asking why? And most of all do they know those feelings are okay or do they think they are the only one's who struggle? Do they feel they are not "good enough, strong enough" whatever because they are struggling and you aren't?
There have been several times when my life has been altered and my faith trembled. My world shattered on August 23, 2010. My family was changed forever. I started grad school early that Monday morning a little scared (okay, a lot scared) but also excited. My friend Jen was sitting next to me in the lecture hall and we were talking, waiting for the next section to start when my phone vibrated. I glanced down and saw it was mom. Now this is nothing unusual since we talk all the time but she knows what today is and that I am at school so I went ahead and answered. She told me that she had taken my dad to the hospital that morning because he was dizzy and not feeling well and they were working him up to see if he had had another heart attack. I tried to stay at school and focus because orientation was important and mom said they were just waiting. I mean the doctors and nurses can handle it, God can handle it right? So why I am I upset and generally freaking out just a little with all the possibilities running through my mind. Mom is describing his symptoms and I'm thinking "It sounds like he's stroking why are they looking at his heart and not his head?" But I'm not an adult person, I take care of kids. I'm very good at that but adults? Uhh, no thanks! I'll leave them to Jen, wait Jen! She's right there so I run everything I know past her, we have a pow wow and then the dean who was sitting behind us asked me what I was waiting for. Given permission I drove the speed limit (okay, well I didn't drive any faster than I normally do) to the hospital. Fast forward to that afternoon - the diagnosis - Stroke! For the next five weeks I was there as much as possible, spending the night several times so that mom could go home and get some sleep. My family came together as we often do, prayed, made a plan and tackled it. I cried and tried to understand why. Why MY family? We served God for years on the field, then came to the US and served here? People came to visit and offered encouragement like "God is here", "This is in His plan", and "Everything will work out". Do I believe all this, yeah I do, but sometimes in the mist of the trials in life I don't feel like it is going to be okay. It was my life falling apart, not theirs. It was my hero who might never walk, talk, and swallow again. I was running on empty. I didn't have the answers. I prayed with all my heart that he would get better. Can I honestly say that I was okay with his answer being no? No I wasn't okay with that. At least not at first. It took a while for me to be able to pray what became my constant prayer "Lord, I want him to get better but I trust you enough to let you be God. Give me the strength to face whatever may come."
God speaks if we will only take time to stop and listen. Being very type A (my family would also argue that I'm a D) I love planning, lists and being in charge. I constantly give things to God, then take them back. I'm guilty of sometimes rushing though my devotion so that I can check that off my list. TAG (time alone with God) - check, breakfast - check, workout - check . . . etc. you get the point. Does that mean that I am less of a believer? That I've failed God? No, it makes me human. It means that I struggle with the same things the rest of you do and I fail myself. But that's the beauty of it. God holds me up when I fall and picks up the pieces when I fail. Today I can look back on all God has brought me through and I am amazed.
Often as christians we cut people down and point our fingers at them, but do we really see them? Do we ask God to open our eye to those who need him? Or are we stumbling blocks for others as they look for a way out. Do our hears break for what breaks Jesus's heart? Do we open up wide our lives, hearts and doors to those who are hurting? Are our hearts led by grace and mercy or by judgement, shame and blame. Sometimes a smile, hug or conversation may make the difference in someone's life. Can we move outside ourselves and truly serve and love others as Jesus did for us? Will we pour into the lives of those around us? Will we let others see us broken and hurting? Or will we hide it all inside and pretend. Over and over again in the bible I see the promise that if I seek the Lord my God I will find Him. Deuteronomy 4:29, Jeremiah 5:1, Jeremiah 29:13, and Luke 11:9 all say it repeatedly. Matthew 7:7 says "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you". My prayer for all of us is that we are continuously asking, seeking and knocking.
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